So there’s this guy who keeps throwing apples at my head

I don’t really know who he is or why he does it

One day I was just walking around and this apple

Hit me right in my head

And I was like, “ow”

And I thought that would be the end of it

But no, cause like, he kept at it

He just like, kept throwing apples at my head


After a while, I started catching them

And I thought it was like, some cool movie moment

And I’d stare at him, and the screen would be all black

Except for a slit that showed my eyes

But like, he didn’t care

He just threw more apples

Unfettered, the man was

Then I learned to catch them with both hands equally as good

But then he had a third apple

I learned to juggle three, then four, then five apples at a time

But going for six seemed like too much


Now I carry a bag for these apples

And everyday I come home and plop all these apples on our kitchen table

And the thing is, I like apples

They’re one of my favorite fruits

But there’s too many

I can’t eat all these apples

I need other types of food in my life

I tried to learn to make apple pie

As a way of offloading some of these apples

But every time I’d look up a recipe on my phone

I’d get hit with another gosh darn apple

So I thought I’d just like, wing it

So I went to the store to get dough and cinnamon

Maybe some other stuff

And I saw that apples are like $1 a pop

Then I started thinking ‘where’s this guy getting all these apples?’

And I know $1 doesn’t seem like much

But he must have thrown hundreds at me by now

And he definitely doesn’t have a job

Cause all he does is throw apples at me at all times during the day

So does he have some sort of apple orchard at his disposal?

When does he restock his apple supply?

Why is he throwing them at my head?

So many questions


Anyway, I thought I could maybe sell these apples

But I don’t have any connections to the apple-selling world

I never established an apple network

Also I don’t have enough inventory to create a steady supply

I have a whole lot of apples for a person

But nowhere near as many apples as these apple tycoons

Big Apple has me beat

I mean like the global network of apple trade

I don’t mean the city of New York

AKA The Big Apple has me in its clutches

Now I’m getting off topic

Back to these apples that keep hitting me


I talked to a friend 

To see if something similar had happened to her

I was like “was there ever a guy who threw apples at your head?”

And she was like “Yeah, that was really weird”

And I was like “Why is you so nonchalant about this

It’s driving me mad

I can’t sleep

I can’t think

I don’t know how to stop this man”

And she was like “Calm down dude

I just told him to stop and he did”

And I was like “Oh,

I didn’t know I could do that”

And she was like “So some guy has been throwing apples at you

And you’ve just done nothing”

And I was like “Yeah, pretty much”

And she was like “Kinda sounds like you’re into it”

And I was like “No I’m not”

And I walked away


So the next day I was walking around

And the moment I felt that apple connect with my nose

I felt invincible

“Excuse me, Thou Apple-throwing Villain” I exclaimed

“I command you to stop your spiteful ways”

And he was like “Huh?”

And I was like “Could you stop throwing apples at my head”

And he was like “Why? I thought you liked apples”

And I was like “Yes, they’re one of my favorite fruits but-”

“And I’m saving you so much money,” he interjected

And was like “Now that you don’t have to buy apples, no?”

And I was like “One, rude for you to interrupt me

And also I don’t think you get what’s going on–”

But he interrupted me again

And he was like “Shut up, Aaron”

And I was like “Excuse me”

And he got angry

And he was like “I’m giving you free freaking apples

And you are too much of a selfish brat

To be even the slightest bit grateful. Screw you, dude”

And I was gonna say “Calm down, my man

I didn’t want to upset you, sorry”

But I couldn’t, cause when I opened my mouth

Like how you do when you talk

A gosh-darn apple was thrown in it

So I started choking on this apple

That I wasn’t prepared for

Because I was going to say something

And the apple dude just stares at me

And refuses to give me the heimlich

Like a smug little you-know-what

What a total jerk

I hate that guy.