I have struggled with my acne since the fifth grade. The first red dot that appeared directly in the center of my forehead sent me through a loop. At first I was confident that I had some terrible disease, maybe it was chicken pox, or worse yet, cancer. But when introducing this new part of my face to my family, they merely said “Oh Dylan, it’s just a pimple”.
The first tiny, red dot went away after a few days. The next one didn’t appear for a few weeks. After the third, I was convinced that something was wrong. Thankfully my acne died down, I only had a pimple every month or so, and I told myself that I could live with that, that is until the end of 7th grade when my acne decided to have a volcanic eruption. Seriously, it was like I had constellations on my face. Everyday, I would wake up, avoid looking in the mirror, get ready, and then hop on my Zoom call for first period. Truthfully, I was glad I was on Zoom, God forbid anyone see my face in real life. With my braces glued tightly to my teeth and my world map of acne on my face, I thought they, adults and kids alike, would run away from me, fearing I was too ugly to be around.
When my insecurities outweighed my confidence, I decided it was time to ask for help. I started with over the counter products, stalking the Vogue Beauty Secrets videos, convinced they could transfer their clear, glowing skin to me through the computer screen. I made Kendall Jenner’s avocado mask in hopes that it would get rid of my acne, but it did not. I tried Priyanka Chopra’s face mask to extinguish the eruption, it did not help. I even used Gigi Hadid’s toothpaste trick, that just made my face burn. Nothing I did seemed to help.
The next step was visiting a dermatologist. I tried every product that my doctor could prescribe me. First was the clindamycin gel, that worked for a little, but, to my dismay, my acne came back, so I tried the tretinoin cream, that just made me redder. I used cleansers with benzoyl peroxide and silicic acid in it, nada. Then my doctor decided it was time to try a pill. I would start with a month’s worth of doxycycline and go from there.
At my next appointment, Dr. Lee came up to me, she told me frankly that my acne was bad, that it wasn’t getting better no matter what we tried. She was telling me facts I already knew. It seemed like she was diagnosing me with a tumor the way she told me the news, “The only option left is Accutane”.
At that point, I didn’t need to ask any questions, I would do whatever it took to make sure I got rid of my acne. As I ran my hands across my face, Dr. Lee translated all of the fancy dermatologist words so that I could clearly understand the process I would go through. Next thing I knew, I was handed a cup and told to go to the restroom. I had never taken a pregnancy test before, let alone peed in a cup, but I did as I was told, and honestly, I would do anything to get rid of my acne.
Accutane, or as the medical field calls it – isotretinoin, is a Vitamin A derivative that is used to treat acne, obviously. The isotretinoin magically shrinks oil glands in your body and reduces oil production. The hopes of curing your acne forever are slim, but it is possible if your body stops producing oil and allows for new skin cells to rise to the surface. It is a magical pill, but only if you’re willing to risk the chance of the side effects.
The inevitable side effects include crackling, chapped lips, sun sensitivity, blood filled noses, dry skin, and if you have a baby, severe birth defects. I don’t even want to mention the more severe side effects, but for the sake of providing a thorough breakdown of Accutane, I will continue. This drug could cause depression, muscle and joint pain, thinning hair, IBS, liver issues, and rectal bleeding. All in all, Accutane can do some major mental and physical damage, but it’s worth it, right?
For me, yes. My skin cleared and my confidence re-emerged. I would walk around on and off campus and receive compliments about how I was glowing or how my skin looked so good, and let me tell you, it felt amazing. I no longer needed to hide from the general public because I looked “bad”, but why did I even feel that way in the first place?
Currently, the beauty industry is a 532 billion dollar business that includes skincare, haircare, makeup and cosmetic surgeries. The industry holds the powerful ability to profit off of the general public’s insecurities. In today’s day and age, you can open the TikTok app on your phone and scroll for 3 minutes.Within those 3 minutes, I can guarantee that you will see at least 5 different aesthetics. For women there is everything from the “vanilla girl” aesthetic to “dirty girl” aesthetic to “clean girl” aesthetic to “coastal grand daughter” aesthetic to “that girl” aesthetic, and the list goes on. With all of these different fads of being a certain type of person it is nearly impossible to keep up and stay “trendy” because something new will always be better and more fashionable, that is where we are with short-attention-span-entertainment (a.k.a. any TikTok user).
It isn’t just products that you can buy to fit into a certain aesthetic, by the way these products are not always worth the “hype”, there are also different body types that are praised at different times. After examining paintings and magazine covers, along with models and photos from different time periods over the past 100 years, it is clear that beauty standards change. At times the “it girl” was tall and very skinny, while at other times the “it girl” was curvy and short. Again, it is nearly impossible to maintain “trendy” because a new fad is always in the making.
A recurring question I ask myself is why was I so ashamed of the way I looked. How could my appearance change so much about my self-esteem? And why did I base my self-esteem off of my appearance? People shouldn’t care about my pimple filled face or my clear skin. It’s complicated though, because the first thing people see is our appearances. If only everyone had x-ray vision that could allow them to see people’s characters, then they wouldn’t care if I was ugly or not. But do people even care what I look like? I really don’t know.
Despite all the negative side effects of Accutane, I would do it again. Not because it cleared my acne, but because my self confidence re-emerged. Everyone experiences acne at some point in their lives, which allows companies to make billions of dollars each year with campaigns similar to “your appearance is not good enough, and here is how you fix it.” A product isn’t going to fix your self-worth, and while it might help, the real solution takes more work than a pimple patch can do. Accutane acted as a wonder drug for me, magically changing my appearance and boosting my self confidence, but nothing lasts forever. Now my skin is mostly clear and I rarely ever get pimples, but the second I do, I find myself staring in the mirror, criticizing my features and finding flaws. Did I really ever repair my fractured self confidence or did I merely use the beauty industry as a way of concealing every prominent feature of mine? My confidence comes and goes in increments, and so does my acne.
